Right from the start I knew I wanted my birth to be as natural as possible. I educated myself. Worked at it. Saw a midwife. Already met up with a doula. I planned to own it. I read numerous articles and books on natural child birth. Did pre-natal Yoga. I promised myself this was going to be different.
But as usual life had other plans.
The news came at 35 weeks that I need to have an emergency c-section. After a week of fetal monitoring, not sleeping and trying to get to 10 kicks a day. I cried. I was scared. This is not how it was suppose to happen. I was angry and unprepared, but I had no choice but to have surgery if I wanted her to live. And that is not a hard choice to make.
She was born screaming. Alive. Teeny tiny preemie baby that did not even fit in newborn Huggies. Fast forward- I recovered quickly after the surgery. I thought I was okay with having a c-section until about six months post partum when I started to feel the emotional strain. My birth felt chaotic, out of control and downright scary. And it was hard to remember the small details of what happened.
I felt like I failed at giving birth because I had a c-section- especially because I wanted to have a VBAC so badly. In a way I think it was for selfish reasons because I wanted a do-over. I wanted to try again. Every time I looked at my scar I would feel upset.I did not want to touch it. I know little Zoe came out of there and I should be thankful, but I was not. I always had this feeling at the pit of my stomach that I had failed.
Have you ever heard of birth trauma? Many people do not know that it exist, but moms can be traumatized by bad birth experiences. And I believe it is important for us moms to open up and talk about this.
I believe that we should be allowed to feel every feeling in the book- from the happy ones to the ones you wish you could forget. Sometimes our bodies don’t always do what we want the to do. Zoe is 2 now and I still think about it sometimes. It is natural to have feelings of sorrow following an emergency c-section. It will get easier, so I am told.
And do not ever compare your birth experience to those of others- comparison is the thief of joy. And sometimes you will struggle to love your body. But then just have a look at the beautiful person you created. And then you can’t help to feel thankful for what is left over from that experience, your c-section scar, your stretch marks and all of that. Your body was the temple that housed a tiny person until it was ready for this world. It held them until you could hold them in your arms.
By doing that you will realize that your scars are a reminder of everything your body has done for your children.
And that makes it all a little bit easier.
Love and Light