1. ‘You look tired!’
So would you if you hadn’t slept for a couple of months (in my case YEARS!). Also, don’t talk about your own interrupted afternoon nap if you like being alive.
2. ‘Wait until they’re a toddler/pre-teen/teenager!’
Pensioners don’t walk up to you saying “wait until you pee your pants/ can’t walk or get dementia.” So, why do people think it is okay to tell me that things are going to get worse as they get older? Go to hell- I will be the judge of that.
3. Anything about how they should feed their child
Some women breastfeed. Some women don’t. Some kids eat veggies (like Khloe) and some kids you have to liquidise it to a pulp (so Zoe can’t spot it). What I feed my child is none of your business. So if my child takes the same lunch for the past 3 years to school and she decides to be super healthy- let her be.
4. ‘When are you going to have another one?’
When I got out of hospital and could barely walk, some people thought of asking me that. NO- No more kids. I never wanted a boy so NO, I am not trying for another one. I am not going to end up with a netball team just because society thinks I should have a boy.
5. ‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’
Some babies are born with conditions that might limit what they can do in later life, but that doesn’t mean their arrival isn’t a joyous event or that their parents shouldn’t be congratulated. Save your sympathy. Same goes for premature babies- yes, it is tough on us moms but please keep the sympathy.
6. ‘She’s probably hungry/overtired/dirty…’
This one is a favourite of women in supermarkets when they see somebody’s baby kicking off. The only reason they don’t end up face first in the freezer is because I don’t have the energy to shove them in. No, she is just being naughty. Please leave me alone. NOW!
7. ‘Was it planned?’
Don’t. Just… don’t. You suck if you say things like that.
8. ‘Remember to sleep when the baby does.’
Oh, really? Sleep when the baby does! What a fantastic idea! And maybe I would if it wasn’t for all the washing and cleaning and people popping round when the baby’s asleep to tell me how important it is to sleep when the baby’s asleep.
9. Anything about losing the baby weight
It takes time for a post-natal tummy to return to its original dimensions (if ever!). It’s not something I want to think about or talk about.
10. ‘When our kids were little we didn’t bother with any of that stuff.’
So what? I don’t care. I could not have survived without a Medela maxi breast pump/ Woven wraps/ Avent Variable Flow bottles.
11. Anything about the baby’s appearance
He or she may have a giant head, crossed eyes and Donald Trump’s hair. It doesn’t matter. The only acceptable words to use about new babies are words such as ‘beautiful’ and ‘gorgeous. You don’t EVER comment on skin tone- my personal favourite was “she is so white for a mixed race baby” Yeah- swear that happened!
12. ‘Make sure you enjoy every moment!’
What, the moment when you open a nappy that appears to contain the Devil’s droppings? The moment in the middle of a sleepless night when baby starts screaming yet again? The moment when you want to kick a well-meaning pal where the sun doesn’t shine for saying something monumentally stupid about a really tough period of your life?
But other than this, be kind, be nice and THINK before you speak.